Courage Plus Change Equals Freedom

Change is hard, really hard. Especially when it comes to personal change.  It takes courage. First, you have to admit the need for change and this is where many people get stuck.  We like our comfort zone, we know it and it’s predictable; it’s easier to stay in it and stay miserable than to work to make our situations better. Not that we don’t want better, we just don’t want to do the work required to make it better.  Instead, we want everyone else to change, meet our needs and make us happy.  Sounds simple, but it doesn’t work. What it does do is make ourself and those around us miserable.  

I finally got tired of being miserable, never being satisfied with my life and my relationships.  Tired enough to change myself and stop trying to change everyone else.  It’s not easy, it takes some serious, sometimes gut wrenching soul searching.  It requires admitting your short comings and then learning the cause of them. Learning why you are who you are is freeing, but it’s not enough so don’t be tempted to stay in that place.  Don’t play the victim card for too long.  It’s so easy to get stuck there, wanting other’s to feel sorry for you.  But, it’s a negative mindset and it doesn’t bring freedom, it’s just another level of being stuck.  I know because I played that card, until I got tired of being a different kind of miserable.  

Real change came for me when I forgave not only those who hurt me but also forgave myself for all the damage I had caused to others as well as myself as a result of that hurt.  Having been hurt doesn’t excuse the way we react to the hurt, it doesn’t excuse how we project our hurt onto others with our self righteous anger. You have to understand and accept that just as you acted out of your hurt, so did the person who hurt you. If you want to be free, healthy and happy, you have to let go and forgive. Then you can move forward to a more satisfying life where you can find joy and peace in all situations.  That is true freedom!

Letting Go

For many years I have journaled because I’ve heard that journaling is a good way to “get your junk out.”  While I agree with that, journaling for me was somewhat random, as my thoughts sometime are.  But now my writing has become more focused, not only to help myself but also to help others.  We tend to believe that our issues are unique to us only and that others wouldn’t understand or accept us if they knew the “truth” about the real us. But, that's simply not true. If only one person can relate and find comfort, if not freedom in my writing then it will be well worth the time spent.  Writing poems, such as, Letting Go,  is helping to free me from many years of living in fear, unable to form healthy attachments due to an inability to trust, living with anger and resentment consuming me, lashing out at anyone who didn’t meet my impossible to meet needs.  In my mind, I was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough…you name it, I was not enough.  I faked my way through life, lonely in a room full of people. Can anyone relate?  You can’t accept love from someone else if you don’t love yourself.  I would wake up in the mornings determined to have a good day but negative thoughts would soon creep in, sending me emotionally into a downhill spiral.  I understood what had happened to me, the abuse from a very young age to the gut wrenching event, my “secret,” that happened when I was a young teenager.  It was an event that I took responsibility for until July 2014 when I revealed my secret and God whispered the truth to me. That was an amazing revelation, but understanding and knowing the truth is one thing, dealing with it and getting past the anger and pain is another.  But, once I was able to release the anger and the pain, I was able to separate myself from toxic people and associate with emotionally safe people and learn to trust.  I also learned that my happiness is my responsibility, not someone else's.  

I know that I’m not alone here, no one is perfect, nor without flaws or scars. I believe that everyone has self imposed limitations because of un-dealt with issues.  What are yours?  What are you holding on to that is holding you back from being your very best?  Forgive other’s and forgive yourself.  Let your secret’s out….start a journal, write poetry, scream, beat the crap out of your pillow, confide in someone you trust, find a good therapist….whatever works for you. Then let go so you can begin moving forward to be your best. But know that moving forward from where you are to where you want to be is not a “one and done.” In the beginning you may have to deal with it multiple times a day but as time progresses so will you, if you persevere.  It’s like learning to walk.  When you first began you fell a lot, but as you kept getting up you improved until you could walk without thinking about it.  Keep getting back up…never give up…never quit!

My mission statement consists of one word, Unwavering!  Synonyms include…steady, resolute, resolved, constant, steadfast, enduring, unswerving, unfaltering, untiring, unyielding, relentless, unrelenting.  This is me now; no more being held back or holding back.  

Letting Go

Why is it so hard to let go of the pain

It’s torturous and evil, hard on my brain.

The calm may be at the start of each day,

but rarely does it stay that way.

I sew, I paint, I write and I read,

but from out of the blue my heart starts to bleed.

They hurt me and hurt me until they were done,

They hurt me in more ways than one.

And through it all, they laughed at my pain, 

said I was insane.

But, they lied. 

And though they try to keep me down,

they won’t, I’ll not be their clown.

I’m free to choose to live my days,

to forgive their evil and sicks ways.

The joke is on them for I will go

to places of joy that they will never know.

They will never be free from their demented ways;

will live in their ignorance for all of their days.

I’m not looking back, there’s nothing to see

what happened back then won’t define me.

I’ll laugh and I’ll love,

get my peace from above.

What happens to them

is all up to Him!

Being Confident

I believe that to some extent we all have issues that haven't been completely dealt with, which leads to low, or no self-confidence.  Some more so than others. (I’m raising my hand so please don’t think I’m judging.)  The effects of un-dealt with issues can be devastating to our growth and success.  

As  Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world."

The problem is that when we don’t believe in ourself, when we lack the confidence to believe we can succeed, we are right.  Self doubt destroys potential whether it is in a relationship or business.  I personally can make a big ugly looming mountain out of the tiniest mole hill because of low self confidence with just one hint at being rejected. Rejection for me has always been an issue, one that began as a young child.  Therefore, rejection is a big trigger for me, whether it is real or imagined.  What I have learned is that when I do this, when I give in to this negative and errant way of thinking, it completely blinds me to the truth.  This in turn leads to negative thinking, such as, I’m not smart enough, pretty enough or talented enough. (Feel free to add you own negative thoughts.)

To get beyond my lack of confidence I had to dig deep and be honest with myself and with others about my shortcoming’s. Yes, that meant laying out the guilt, the shame and the pain, but it was then that I was able to let go and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is scary but once you reach that place of vulnerability, you are free to be yourself with others because there is no longer a fear of being “found out as a fraud.”  That may result in some people walking out of you life, but if they go, chances are they weren’t meant to be there in the first place….let them go!  

 

Welcome to my NEW blog from Terri Day! 

 

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