For many years I have journaled because I’ve heard that journaling is a good way to “get your junk out.” While I agree with that, journaling for me was somewhat random, as my thoughts sometime are. But now my writing has become more focused, not only to help myself but also to help others. We tend to believe that our issues are unique to us only and that others wouldn’t understand or accept us if they knew the “truth” about the real us. But, that's simply not true. If only one person can relate and find comfort, if not freedom in my writing then it will be well worth the time spent. Writing poems, such as, Letting Go, is helping to free me from many years of living in fear, unable to form healthy attachments due to an inability to trust, living with anger and resentment consuming me, lashing out at anyone who didn’t meet my impossible to meet needs. In my mind, I was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough…you name it, I was not enough. I faked my way through life, lonely in a room full of people. Can anyone relate? You can’t accept love from someone else if you don’t love yourself. I would wake up in the mornings determined to have a good day but negative thoughts would soon creep in, sending me emotionally into a downhill spiral. I understood what had happened to me, the abuse from a very young age to the gut wrenching event, my “secret,” that happened when I was a young teenager. It was an event that I took responsibility for until July 2014 when I revealed my secret and God whispered the truth to me. That was an amazing revelation, but understanding and knowing the truth is one thing, dealing with it and getting past the anger and pain is another. But, once I was able to release the anger and the pain, I was able to separate myself from toxic people and associate with emotionally safe people and learn to trust. I also learned that my happiness is my responsibility, not someone else's.
I know that I’m not alone here, no one is perfect, nor without flaws or scars. I believe that everyone has self imposed limitations because of un-dealt with issues. What are yours? What are you holding on to that is holding you back from being your very best? Forgive other’s and forgive yourself. Let your secret’s out….start a journal, write poetry, scream, beat the crap out of your pillow, confide in someone you trust, find a good therapist….whatever works for you. Then let go so you can begin moving forward to be your best. But know that moving forward from where you are to where you want to be is not a “one and done.” In the beginning you may have to deal with it multiple times a day but as time progresses so will you, if you persevere. It’s like learning to walk. When you first began you fell a lot, but as you kept getting up you improved until you could walk without thinking about it. Keep getting back up…never give up…never quit!
My mission statement consists of one word, Unwavering! Synonyms include…steady, resolute, resolved, constant, steadfast, enduring, unswerving, unfaltering, untiring, unyielding, relentless, unrelenting. This is me now; no more being held back or holding back.
Why is it so hard to let go of the pain
It’s torturous and evil, hard on my brain.
The calm may be at the start of each day,
but rarely does it stay that way.
I sew, I paint, I write and I read,
but from out of the blue my heart starts to bleed.
They hurt me and hurt me until they were done,
They hurt me in more ways than one.
And through it all, they laughed at my pain,
said I was insane.
But, they lied.
And though they try to keep me down,
they won’t, I’ll not be their clown.
I’m free to choose to live my days,
to forgive their evil and sicks ways.
The joke is on them for I will go
to places of joy that they will never know.
They will never be free from their demented ways;
will live in their ignorance for all of their days.
I’m not looking back, there’s nothing to see
what happened back then won’t define me.
I’ll laugh and I’ll love,
get my peace from above.
What happens to them
is all up to Him!